Life is good. My thesis is done. Breakdown is done. Be on the lookout for my debut collection of nonfiction short stories, including old favorites like “57 Chevy” and new classics like “How to Survive Your Mind in a Flood.” Thanks everyone for all your support in this endeavor; I’m just so glad to report that it’s finally done.
Sometimes things just don’t go according to plan. We’re given our paths and our choices, but the way we go can come out of left field.
The reason I don’t update this blog more is because I am, primarily, a nonfiction writer. Everything that happens is material for work that just hasn’t happened yet. So I save it for later, remember it for context, ponder the meaning of whatever event has happened until I can use it. At the end of the day, my having a blog doesn’t work because I’m already writing everything down elsewhere.
I love what I do, even the painful parts. There are issues in life that really, really suck. (What? I’ll save the flowery prose for the literary magazines.)
Tonight, I’m distracted. I’ve been trying to work on stories for my senior project.
About when things just don’t work. About breakdowns.
I have material, and I have to wait before I can do anything with it. The air has to clear, first. The dust has to settle.
I have to be less disappointed before I can begin to grapple with someone else’s stupid mistakes.
It would seem my last post was on a day much like today. Drizzly, misty, a bit dreary… But in very different circumstances. While I’m enjoying the start of this final year, I can’t help but feel lethargic. I keep asking myself, could I really top last year? Seriously, am I going to try?
I think the answer here is obvious.
Absolutely, yes.
Just give it a little time, and there will be exceptional moments to make this year memorable.
Exceptional moments. Most of them will come from writing–about family, with friends, in various comfortable places, under the supervision of some great mentors. Other moments will come from talking to people–the people I’ll probably only meet once more in my lifetime, and some will also be saying goodbye.
I’ve said a few goodbyes before now. I’ll say a lot more. Eventually, it might even be saying goodbye to Indiana altogether.
Is that a big deal?
Yes, of course. We’ve lived here our whole lives and don’t have very unhappy memories. Things are okay.
But the future… for a lot of us… is not here.
Looking forward to many more drizzly, misty, dreary-looking days of happy memories of the same.
Today, in spite of the drizzly, misty, grey weather, was a very lovely day.
Today saw the end of one of the most amazing experiences I’ve had in my college experience: The Final Class of ENG 406: Advanced Creative Nonfiction Writing.
I lost count of the times I was amazed and moved by the people in this class.
I cried when I read about Bridget and Wally.
I felt my breath catch when Monica read about her cousin Olivia.
I saw the streets of London with Carly’s work.
I felt invisible with Megan.
I connected with Colette over cancer.
I laughed as Jake stole a conductor’s hat.
I couldn’t stop staring at the images of John’s grandfather.
I knew a hatred of pigs by reading Doug’s work.
I knew, in spite of his position, that Tom was not a fraud.
I traveled Indiana with Leigh, flabbergasted at how weird we Hoosiers butcher language.
I shared my family with these people, and I do not regret it.
I learned what I want to do for the rest of my life from Todd.
We have all commented how we’re going to miss this class. How this has been the best class ever. How we cannot believe it is really over.
In a semester filled with discoveries and interesting factoids (like how I really enjoy Shakespeare even though he’s the original plagiarist, or how I still want to pursue Greek even though I don’t want to take the class anymore, or how I really do find myself judging books by their covers, and disturbingly often being right), I have enjoyed classes and I have abhorred others.
I’ve discovered that even though I wouldn’t have survived Greek if it weren’t for the fact there are only three people in our class, I still love the language and am so proud that I can read it.
I’ve learned that I know why films work the ways they do, and I can analyze the shit out of them…But I just can’t stand the pretention that comes from having learned this.
I observed people who don’t understand, and don’t want to understand, the opinions and ideas of others. I already knew I didn’t like them.
I’ve seen my best friend slack off and fail and apologize, but I still don’t feel like she needs to and I don’t think any less of her.
I’ve adored a class like no other.
As we ran over our class time, Todd told us that we were the best class he has ever had. That he has moved from poetry more to nonfiction because of us. That he believes we are truly the all-stars.
I’m honored to have known these people and to have let them know me. I can think of nothing better for the future than to continue to know them and work with them, reading and writing together.
Thanks for the semester, the year, the ideas, the incredibly beautiful experience.
Seriously–why am I wasting this? There is so much potential, and what do I do with it?
I let it stagnate.
Well, for an update: I am writing. Not constantly, but I’m doing it.
I’m absolutely ready to be done with the classes that no longer matter to creative writing.
I found myself asking today what writing a paper over the evil of voyeurism in Shakespeare could really mean to me in the long run besides an interesting side note in the realms and annals of future writing–which, in any case, is probably what it will be.
I suppose I’m tired. Mostly because I’ve had multiple classes discussing gender theories when there are other issues to get down to, and we’ve beaten femininity and masculinity to a pulp already.
I’m in love with my writing classes. Even when I’m editing a piece that I don’t love, I still love the work.
I’ve already started planning my Senior Thesis/Creative Project for the Honors College.
Scary? Only slightly. Ready for it? Oh yes.
In a more manageable amount of time, though, I’ll be working on my final documentary memoir for my Creative Nonfiction class–which has the potential to be both amazing and painful. That’s okay. I can live with it.
I only hope I can get the documentation I need for it.
As for the Senior Thesis, I’ll be writing, revising, collecting, and blurring stories about Breakdowns–matching the idea that I’m going to be tearing down the idea that any one story has to belong to any one genre. No, this will be nonfiction mixed with fiction mixed with poetry mixed with drama mixed with research paper mixed with resumes and rejection letters and pictures.
There’s no telling where we will go from here.
Probably onward.
While I feel as though these should be the best years of my life, and I do sometimes feel that way, there are other times where I am ready to be done with it and onto the next chapter. I feel as though some of the people here are still stuck in high school, and I can tell that the same is true for other places as well. I look around Facebook, and I see all these groups and quizzes and applications, and I really have to wonder where the maturity lies in some of these things. For example, on campus there is an event which will take place in the near future called HvZ: Humans versus Zombies. I don’t see the appeal in it. Two different groups of students take the roles of humans or zombies, and then run around all over campus. The Humans shoot at the Zombies with Nerf Guns, or other Nerf weaponry, while the Zombies “eat” the Humans by just tagging them. Its a giant game of Hide N Seek with Tag mixed in, and I really don’t see how people can feel like they’re going through college when they participate in something like this…
I feel like I’m an outsider looking in on the “typical” college experience. The drinking, the partying, the general debauchery… I don’t want anything to do with it. I would rather sit with a few of my friends and play a game, be it board or video, or even just sit and watch a movie. Or do some homework, just enjoying the company as we work. But we are a scarce breed on a college campus. Some would say we are not living the true college experience. I would say that we are, but we just remember more of it. I have seen the kinds of people that take part in these sordid activities, and I want no part of their groups. These are the people that I did not want to be around in high school… But simply more of them.
Tonight, I’ll take part in one of the few activities that I think have meaning on this campus. I’ll go to the Alt-Hollywood Society meeting, or “Thursday Night Movies,” and I will watch a movie that I have never seen before, but others have recommended. And afterwards, I will have an intellectual conversation about that movie with the other movie-goers and my Humanities professor.
I’m on the outside looking in at the typical college experience, but I don’t mind. I’m outside the box, and the air out here is so very fresh.
Sitting here with the boys, waiting on a pizza from Greek’s. College life feels alright, we’re definitely used to it by now. This year has just been full of surprises, but its almost coming to a close. It feels like the summer can’t come soon enough, and even then, the next semester looks good too. I’ve changed my major to English: Creative Writing. I’m looking forward to it, because it feels like writing is the one thing that, even if my classes suck, I’ll still like no matter what. Architecture just started to feel like I was only going through the motions. My heart wasn’t in it anymore, and I didn’t feel like I really had time to do anything I really wanted to. Writing, I’ll be doing something I love and I’ll still have time to do things as well. It feels like next year is going to be what we had hoped this year would be. Dan and Nick are rooming together, so that’s a plus. I’m living across the hall, another plus. I don’t know my roommate, but that’s part of the experience of college, so I suppose that’s another plus. We’re slowly getting things together so we can move stuff back home, bit by bit. I’ve got a tub of clothes to take home this weekend (clean this time!). So I can drop those off and not have so much weighing down my drawers. I need to bring home projects, too, so those will be coming eventually.
For the most part, things are going well. We’re starting our final project for Studio in CAP, but we’ll still have a bunch of little projects for the other class, DCM. Hopefully its enjoyable, or at least tolerable. We’ll see. Been enjoying my other classes, outside of CAP. My humanities class is always my favorite, and my global studies class is definitely more interesting than people said it would be. I even like my PE class, swimnastics. That’s a rare occurrence. It feels good to have that workout, and everything just seems to work out.
In any case, I’ll be home at the end of the week, to relax a little bit, and to spend time with family.
Hopefully I’ll get some time to update soon. And hopefully that time won’t be cutting into work time or sleep time. We shall see… Plus, figuring out what I need to update would be good as well. Stay tuned….
Well, everyone’s just been updating, haven’t they? It seems like every day brings a new adventure, a new challenge, new stress, new relief.
This weekend, our schedules were posted online, and I eagerly checked mine. I was happy with it, I had all the classes I wanted… Until I realized I was wrong, and my favorite class, Humanities, had been moved to only Tuesday nights from 6:30 to 9:10 in the North Quad: roughly half a mile away from my dorm.
I e-mailed my counselor, telling her of my confusion, and asking why I was not in the class I had requested, and had priority scheduling, to get into.
Her reply was of no help, so the day I had my Humanities class, I spoke with the professor and found out that many others had the same problem. My professor proved, once again, just how great he is. Immediately after class, he went and talked with everyone. Today I received another e-mail, telling all Humanities students that things had been fixed. Well, that’s certainly better, because I would have dropped the class rather than walk back from the North Quad at night. That’s a big No-No, especially if you want to be safe.
In other news, I had committed myself to NaNoWriMo again this year, and once again, I failed. NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month. It runs through the month of November every year, and I have tried twice. Unfortunately, I have found that my most frequent bouts of writer’s block occur in November. I could not eke out a single word in coherence with a “novel.” So, needless to say, I did not reach the goal of 50,000 words. I congratulate my fellow writers in managing to do it. Kudos to you, that’s most excellent. Unfortunately, I don’t have that sort of time nor discipline.
School-wise, we’ve had projects upon projects upon projects. My weekends are spent working on them, and the days are getting shorter… I’ve been putting more effort into my projects, but it seems like fruitless efforts, because apparently my work is never quite “A” range for my professors.
I still refuse to pull an all-nighter, even though I have ordered the shirt for the architecture students. It says:
So You’re In College, Pick Two:
-Good Sleep
-Good Social Life
-Good Grades
So You’re In Architecture,
PICK ONE.
I still think it’s true. Granted, my sleep isn’t that great, but I still don’t find it necessary to pull all-nighters… I work in studio and back in my room (another taboo), but I don’t stay up all night to do so. Occasionally Lindsay won’t get back until after 3 AM, and sometimes not until after 5 AM… I can’t do that. And I feel like I’m not putting out quality work because of it. If I even try to stay up later, say 1 or 2 AM, I’m really off the next day. I’m shaky, tired, and just generally not on the ball. So I chose good grades and good sleep. And then I tried to choose good grades. It’s not working as well as I hoped.
So, I’m at the point where we’re getting down to the wire. And its going to be hectic, but that’s okay. Usually I’ll just get up into the studio and get to work, my ‘puter by my side, with fancy music helping to pass the time. Even now, music is involved in my writing. I just took out my earphones because they were bugging me, so now its a little quieter…
I’ve realized that I’ve become accustomed to the noise of the studio. I can hear better, at least in loud places. Quiet places, my mind wanders and people still have to repeat themselves for me to hear.
This past week was Thanksgiving break, and it was a much needed rest. Dan and I were both tired of people.
Thanksgiving itself was nice, it was good to go home and be with the family.
Been looking around online for Christmas shopping ideas, have a few people figured out. Still need to figure out a few more things.
And FYI: There will be two packages coming from Amazon, don’t open them! Christmas is contained inside!
Only a week and a half of actual classes left, then finals, which won’t be bad (I hope).
So, until then, here’s hoping everything works out all right.
Well, we’re over a month into the school year now, and I’m almost done with one of my classes. My freshman connections class only meets two more times, so I’ll be able to have more time on Thursdays at least. Its been an eventful week, even though we’re only halfway through.
I’ve thought I was going deaf, but then believed it to be a cold… Which I still think it is, but also a part of my second discovery:
I have a wisdom tooth coming in, and it hurts a good deal. I really don’t think this is a good time for it either, especially since if I were to get it taken out, I’d miss some class that I really just can’t miss.
I fell/slid down the stairs on Monday during lunch. Carol (the janitor) was mopping and hadn’t put up the wet floor signs yet. So I’ve got a bruise on my bottom, and a higher sense of awareness on stairs. We’ve got a couple of projects in my architecture classes that I really like, and I’m enjoying them both. For the time being, at least. I surprised myself with one of my drawings, and hope I can continue to do so. Especially since I have to make said drawing about 6 times as big as it is now.
Well, just wanted to let you all know that I’m doing alright, and now I have to get back to work.
Love you all.
Edit: Make that twice I’ve fallen down the stairs. Managed to do that in socks the other day, but went down softer. Nothing hurt, except my pride.